The Performance Branch of The Petersfield Writer's Workshop

		It Takes Real Balls Roy Fairchild " Takes Real Baulls to shift 11 cars a week, Yess - sur - ree",,,, , , , ,,, So it's past midnight now,, Manny 's gone to bed and I'm left sitting in the Ye Old Steamer' cocktail lounge, The Cosmo Inn Hotel, .. Such a dismal affair,, gold painted plastic chandeliers,, , green leatherette sofas with sepia photos of old paddle steamers hanging lopsided off plastic hooks. Flight UA252 from New York to Michigan had been diverted due to 'inclement weather' so here I was, Cleveland Ohio. It has, , I have been told,, the 17th largest city economy in the States,, There's three fat blokes at the bar, all about my age, give or take,,, big jawed,,, small eyed,, backsides hanging over their bar stools,, the type that would have made the local soccer team,, not especially gifted athletes,, ,, but big and all American and that was enough,, ,, college jocks that married Darleen's or Bessie Sue's The fattest,,, and loudest is Don.. I hear every word,, along with the rest of the bar,,, there is little option,, Don is not the type to be ignored. 'Don' he said ,, 'dawn,,, dauwn,,, Do-wauwn,, Scawaar-ski',, a meaty hand is offered,, an oh so manly handshake. 'Pete,,, from Omaha,,,, say's the other ,, O - Mar- H oaaw' 'Steve,, Steve from Illinois' say's the last,, Don keeps going.'Ah'm in sales right now,, leadership,, motivation That kind of thing,,,,' he expels. 'L e t m e t e l l y o u ahall-ler ,, [all],. I'm,,, ahh'-h'-m an exceptional salesman,, exxx .-. cep - tion .-. an - ahall-ler He sucks his cigar,,, [ ceee - gaar ,,] points a fat hammed finger at his smoke.,. and,,, for no better reason than the pure sensuality of the moment,, attempts,,,, a smoke ring,, Pete is just a regular guy,, he talks a bit,, keeping his end up,,, only that,,,,, but quiet Steve,,, he says not much at all,, I catch him reading his beer label,,, he wants to go home to his wife and kids,,, read a book,, catch a movie,,, simple things,,,, anything but this. Da-wauwn's still exercising his lips,,,,-- 'The guys with the biggest bau-aahlls,, ,,', there is a pause,,, for effect 'They make the best deals,, sure they do,, yes surr ee,, 11 cars,,, A DAY!!! That's what aar do .. I'm a motivator,,, a mo -..tee .-.vate - Orr,,,..,, a leader. That's what aarh ahhmm,, Let me tell you,, 70% of people know everything to know about a car,,, everything that I know , for sure,,' , , another pause,,, 'before,, they walk in,, And it don't mean a damn thing,,,' ,,,,,, ,,,,, ,,,,, ,, ,,,,, ,,,, ,,,, the bartender,, polishes the last of the glasses, lays the three separate tabs on the counter,,, waiting to dim the lights and get some sleep.. ,,,, ,,,, , ,,, , ,,, ''Cause I know them,, !! Argh know them.!,,,.., the customers,, ,, Hooou- ey ,, yes,,- sur ee Aar know maa - cust - tooom - ahhrrs,, That..,--- is the edge,,, mah edge.,,,, aahrm a student of nature,, a Pro - Fess - Oorr of human kkaahnd.,,. thats what aarh ahmm,, The EX - PEE -DEE -ATE- ORR,, of their Dee - Zir - eres. The GENIE of their Der - reams,.''., [He says this with a kind of panache,, the easy confidence of what could be a well rehearsed line ,,, by chance,, I see the film K-Pax a few weeks later,, and that line was said by Kevin Spacey,, who might have been a visitor from another planet,, either way,, he said it to the psychologist played by Jeff Bridges;, when they were standing in the garden of the sanitarium.,, Jeff Bridges and Kevin Spacey looking cool,,] Most salesman make,, what,,? maybe just 9 cars,,,,. A month,,,,,??,',,.! Leans back,, lets them digest this fact.. 'Argh make ,, over 40!.......... And that's in one month!,, one month,!!, I kid you not.' [ Pause ] 'Could I do better,??? ,,', ,,,,,,,,,, , ,,, he gets reflective 'if I were more driven,,, , , maybe??,,, but ahhm happy,, you can't put a price on that . I tell you,, I make less money to-day than I did 10 years ago, aarh gave up the Beemer,,,, who needs it,,' [he waves his hand,,, Beemers,, this is man, , MAY- HUNN talk for a BMW,, Beemars are trifles to a may-hunn like him,,, mere bagatelles ..] he pauses again,, lets that information hang there for a while,,, the other blokes sit silent,,, they are beat,, 'but Ah've never been happier' There is more silence.,, it is everywhere now.,, settling over there evening,.., Drifting with their cigar smoke. Dauwn peruses his tab,, slips I think two ten dollar bills on the table,, he does not wait for change. He's that kind of man. Your browser may not support display of this image. It is over More pause,,, silence falls to the floor and stays put, ,, no one touches it., not even breaths near it ,, they let it go. Good night guys,, says Dawauwn,,, kinda stiff and effete like.,,, He slides of his stool He walks past me,, [I hope they don't see me writing this,,, they're big blokes and would perhaps not take too kindly to me ,, making notes on them,, and the sketch is pretty incriminating as well. 'but its poetry' I say,, 'I'm an artist,,', as they kick the stuffing out of me,,,, and rightly so.. ] 'Yeah,, Yeah,,, time for me to turn in to ,,' says Pete from Omaha,,, 'Me to I guess' says Steve from Illinois. They pay their tabs. Dismount there stools,,, hitch up their pants and 'tuck themselves in',, Gap shirts eased into chinos,, 'comfort fit'.,, oh yeahhh,,, They separate,,, Deppity Daauwn moseys on yonder,,, into his rosy Beemerless future while O - Mar- H aaw Pete and Quiet Steve go the other way. Alarmed,, , it occurs to them,, these two buckaroos,, that they will be walking back to their rooms together,,, they are in the same direction,,, Oh god,,, two blokes do not do this,,, its like blokes going to the bathroom together,,, its just not done,,,, for women its ok,,, in fact, blokes like it,,, it's the girl on girl thing, trust me on this,, , , ... They walk off side by side,, Pete trying to salvage the conversation, Awkwardly,,, they amble [heterosexually] down that smooth Cosmo Inn hallway , pinked hips sashaying to that Texan beat,,, , talk does not come easy to these two hombre's,,, that former bar room intimacy is now a discomfort to their masculinity,,, they go back to there own ,,, separate ,, rooms, ,, , Should there be any doubt in the matter..,,

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